9:07 a.m., 20.11.04
The Bestie Files

Last night I went out to an extremely cheap and dodgy Indian dinner with a bunch of clinical pshychologists, which was interesting and quite amusing. As a side note, I wouldn't recommend the Bismi restaurant on Sydney Rd to you - last night was the first time I've ever been kept up all night just by the sheer power and abundance of my own farts.

But at the dinner table, conversation turned, as it does, to tales of bestiality and some of the more interesting patients these girls have dealt with. *author farts*

Apparently when in interview, they have no problem maintaining a clinical separation from these people as they describe in no lack of detail exactly how they ravaged their dog. *author farts again, loudly and pungently* It's only when they get out in the cafeteria that one of them will ask "was it a chihuahua?" and they all start pissing themselves.

There was a videotape found at one rural suspect's home by police who had heard dodgy stories from the neighbours. When they got it back to the station and played it, it was a 30-minute reel the bloke had taken by setting a camera up on a tripod in the barn. The entire thirty minutes consisted of him moving a box up behind a cow, getting up on the box and trying to root the cow.

The cow would become mildly annoyed with what must have been a truly unimpressive rump intrusion, and walk forward a couple of steps. So the guy would get down form the box, move the box forward, ad try again. Apparently the video made the rounds of the police station a few times before the case got to court. *author rises slightly off his seat as another blustery fart rips its way out*

Personally, I'd like to imagine that video at high speed, accompanied by the Benny Hill theme tune.*small, punctuative fart.*

And the *fart* final story of the night was of some court records one of the girls had found in her research, from 18th century England. *author farts again - you think I'm kidding, don't you?*

A villager and a donkey were both sentenced to hanging for having unlawful carnal knowledge of one another. On the day of the execution, as the lovers' sentences were about to be *phaaaaaaaart* carried out, the town's vicar came running through the crowd carrying a petition and crying out to stop the execution.

With the judge standing by, he presented a list of signatures from townspeople attesting to the good nature and exemplary character of the donkey, and postulating that it must have been forcibly coerced into the unnatural act by its co-defendant.

The donkey was reprieved. *blat....blat blaaaaaaaat*The villager hanged.

Sigh. Anyway, I'm off to do a drum session. Keep a wide berth if you see me today, I don't *pweeeeeeeek?* want anyone to get hurt.

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