12:20 a.m., 27.02.04
Madeline West, Standup Artist

I don't know if I ever mentioned it here before, but I'm actually a bit of a closet Neighbours fan. You know, always wanting to know what pickle Harold's got himself into... And that Lou, he's always up to something.

I stopped watching the show a while back, and this event coincided with one very salient event. It was the day Madeline West left the cast.

Her character Dee suffered a litany of horrors on the way out - a car crash saw her body flung over a cliff and washed out to sea, never to be recovered. And the poor girl got married to Toady earlier in the day. How fucked can one day be?

I can assure you, I'm not the type to get into glamorous blondes. As just about everyone knows, I'm right into darker skin, black hair, asian and indian features, that sort of thing.

But Dee from Neighbours was the perfect girl next door. So beautiful, so blonde, so sweet... Such big knockers and yet so willing to talk to the guys.

Sigh.

I missed her.

Well, tonight I was in a pub watching stand-up comedy and who should come bounding onto the stage but that self same angel I'd wistfully gazed upon as my last lifeline home when I was living in Ireland. My heart skipped a beat. Nous rolled her eyes.

Yes, there she was, Madeline West, on stage at Bridie O'Reilley's, about to perform a standup routine. I sat forward on my chair, waiting to see how she would approach this task.

The great thing about Neighbours when you're overseas is the overwhelming positivity of the show. Even the bad guys are good deep down, and all the girls are so sweet and undamaged that it gives you the feeling there just might be some hope in among all the skinheaded, wifebeating characters on the UK sitcoms.

Dee was the shining example. So sweet, such a winning smile, so beautiful. And did I mention her tits?

And I shall repeat for you here, dear Diarylanders, the first line she came out with in her routine. Ahem.

"Don't call me fucking Dee. I know where the axe hit me (points to crotch) and I'm not afraid to use it."

If you were sitting beside me as Nous was, I'm sure you would have heard a sort of plastic clatter as my image of her fell to the floor and rolled around a bit.

She went on to discuss such topics as her father jacking off over her, and finished with a delightful story about a guy who cut pictures of her head out, stuck them on porno pictures, wanked all over them and mailed them to her. The punchline to that one was something about shaving all the come off the pictures, rolling it up into a tube, fucking herself with it and how she was soon to bear her anonymous fan's love child.

And the funny thing was, long ater the routine was over (she spent the rest of the evening sitting right behind me - I mean less than a metre away... I could smell her beery breath when she laughed) and the shock had worn off, I was still left with one overriding feeling:

Fuck me sideways, Maddy West is one fucking hot slapper and I would do her for sure if she begged.

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