9:35 a.m., 04.05.04
Jesus o'clock

I woke up at Jesus o'clock this morning. That's the exact time when, according to your hasty calculations, you might just still make it to work on time - but only if you yell "JESUS!"

You go from zero to hero, from a peaceful slumber to leaping out of bed, running down the hall. You briefly do the dance of the single veil as you hurtle past bemused housemates clutching your jeans over your willy.

You turn the shower on extra-hard because it feels like you're getting clean faster that way, and you scrub yourself like a madman, such that soap suds fly off to an astonishing distance and end up adorning all four walls.

You skip your morning piss, reasoning that you can take one at work and that's fair game. Likewise, you mentally bargain yourself another 10 minutes by working out how you can have brekky at your desk without looking like you're not working.

You never leave the house less than three times when you get up at Jesus o'clock. The first time, as you go tumbling out the door with your shirt and shoes undone, you remember your mobile phone. The second time, it's your wallet. The third time it could be anything - in my case this morning, a tub of curry that Nous made me for lunch today.

Then, if you're driving, you put every combat-style road manoever you've ever learned into practice. You change lanes once every five metres, and consider it a vital win if you advance yourself one car spot in the traffic. You cut off trucks and taxis alike, and wave 'thankyou!' so they don't crack the shits. You do the fourth lane red light challenge at every opportunity, dragging off much faster cars and beating them out of the sheer force of your Jesus o'clock willpower. You think seriously about driving down the tram tracks and mutter under your breath as motorcyclists sneak up between lanes at the lights.

You leap up the stairs, cursing the slow-arse lifts in your building, and do your last couple of shirt buttons up as you walk down the hall. You pause for a zipper check at the door, and are highly thankful you did.

I got to work at 9:02 this morning. And I'm still coming down from the adrenaline rush. Whoo!

Previous || Next