11:58 p.m., 15.08.05
(Pops head back in and throws around a few limericks)

Um, I've been very boring for the last few months, but am still alive. Apologies to anyone who noticed :)

Thought I'd stick a couple of groups of limericks up that I wrote during my boring work day today. No apologies are made for content, language or politics contained within, and nor should apologies be issued as the limerick is a sacred and vulgar art form that deserves to be viewed in the good humour and whimsy with which it is penned:

1) The hidden advantages of being overweight:

My lesbian friend said "I'm horny,
But fisting's beginning to bore me.
With five fingers up it,
I feel like a Muppet.
I'm sick of my bitch speaking for me."

I replied "the solution is clear.
It's penis you're cravin' my dear.
They're built for the job,
Plus they'll fit in your gob
And I happen to have one right here!"

"What luck!" said the lass, "I might screw you.
I've never been that fond of hoo-hoo;
A big pair of tits,
They're my favourite bits,
And most men ain't got 'em but you do!

I was slightly offended, but fark it -
It's not every day I can park it.
Most girls aren't impressed
With my man-booby chest
But it's big in the lesbian market.

2) The downside of middle eastern women

My lebanese wife's shiny locks
Sprout from armpits, back, arms and her box.
Her pubes are so long
And so thick and so strong
That she knits herself into her jocks.

You might think it's strange for a man
To permit so much hair on her can
But it brought us great mirth
At our eldest son's birth;
He came swinging out just like Tarzan.

I'll confess, though, I'm catching the bug;
Even though she's quite ticklish to hug -
And the 'stache on her gash
Sometimes gives me a rash -
It's like rooting a fine persian rug.

3) A Royal Dilemma

Prince Phillip said "Jeeves, I'm ashamed.
My libido just isn't the same.
Go fetch me some crumpet,
And if I can hump it
We'll know it's her Highness to blame."

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