5:37 p.m., 27.07.04
Once you pop the first drop, you can't stop.

I overcame a big hump recently, and I need to tell you all about it. I guess I needed something pretty big and onerous to break my month-long diaryland silence. So here it is.

There's a guy on the floor my office is in that gives me stage fright. And, with the help of my friends, I've found a work-around.

Allow me to explain. I usually pride myself on being the sort of man that can pee no matter what the situation. I am definately NOT that poor bastard you see at footy games - the one who can't deal with all the guys squeezed in next to him and tapping their feet behind him, who stands there unable to squeeze a drop and ends up retreating unrelieved, only to get in the queue for the stall. That ain't me.

But there's this one guy on our floor - not an intimidating guy, quite a good bloke in fact - that I just can't work with at a urinal.

And he's such a jolly fellow that he tends to hang around and chat a bit - which leaves me stranded with my back to him after he's washed up, trying to maintain an intelligent conversation with my dick in my hand and a painfully obvious lack of trickling noises. No matter what muscles I contract and relax, nothing is going to get that stream a-flowin'.

Sometimes it seems like he hangs around forever, as if he's enjoying keeping me in my state of embarrassment, my ears turning red, my bladder crying out for release, my wretched penis peering down in terror at the urinal and refusing to co-operate.

It's a completely unfamiliar situation to me.

Of course, about a second after he leaves the bathroom, I go off like an unmanned firehose.

And the embarrassment doesn't stop when he leaves either. Because I know that he knows that I can't go when he's there, and that's the sort of thing *I'd* talk about with my workmates if it happened to *him*, and on my death march out of the toilets and back to the office, him and his buddy are always all smiles and waves.

Clearly, something had to be done. So I tried a few approaches.

1) The stall diversion
This move relies on a sloooow opening of the bathroom door, allowing you a little extra time to check out who's using the facilities. If it's him, I dash into the stall, avoiding eye contact and thus conversation. Effective, but it feels like somewhat of an admission, and he can see it's me when I leave the bathroom.

2) The oscar nomination
I gave this one a try once, on the suggestion of one of my buddies. He found himself in a similar situation with his own personal stream-stopping bugbear, and came up with a cunning ploy on the spur of the moment. Shaking his hand vigorously, he ran to the sink and started dousing his hand in cold water as if it had been burnt. I figured I could use this once and only once - but even then I was wrong. There I was, shaking and swearing and pouring the cold water on my hand, and I think I overdid it, because he asked me what happened and I couldn't think of anything hot in my office I could have burned my hand on. I came up with something extremely lame like "um, a computer overheated," and felt like even more of a cock.

3) The zen flush
And here we arrive at the successful method I've adopted which has been working like a charm. Upon quelling that brief rush of fear when I see it's him I'll be lining up next to, I step up to the plate, drop the old fellow out, sigh, relax and hit the flush. The flushing sound alleviates the issue in two ways. Firstly, the gentle rushing water acts as a direct motivational tool, and secondly, it covers up the lack of stream on your behalf, giving you a 20 second respite from the added anxiety your usual silence would place you under.

And I've found that 20 seconds is juuust enough time to squeeze the first, all-important drop. That first drop is like a cork. Get it out there, and you're home free, peeing and chatting like an old pro.

It's brilliant. And it's no admission of urinary incompetence, because you can blame it on the last person through's refusal to flush.

I have my brother to thank for this tip. I owe him big time.

In other news, I have been catching up with heaps and heaps of people lately, which is just great.

For those interested, here's some further study resources on stage fright. I'm amazed so much quality information is out there on such a weird topic:

The International Paruresis Society
I am not alone...

Why Won't Sting Let Me Pee?
One man's struggle against an unstartable force.

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