11:44 a.m., 05.05.04
The Dutchwink Time-Is-Money Non-Core Activity Transfer Scheme

That last entry has got me thinking, and I've begun to realise that I've subconsciously been implementing what amounts to a pretty clever moneymaking scheme.

I call it... "The Dutchwink Time-Is-Money Non-Core Activity Transfer Scheme." It works like this:

I am now a full-time business and technology consultant for a software development company. This company pays me well, but all staff are on contract. Thus, we get a high hourly rate for whatever time we spend at work, and any time such as holidays or sick days are unpaid.

It's very simple. Clock in at work and you're on the payroll, stay at home and you're not. Which is good for the odd sleep-in.

Now, because I'm forever in such a rush to get to work, my normal morning routines are often thrown out the window. As a result, I've got a few things like razors in my desk drawer in case I'm looking shaggy and there's a meeting on.

I'm sure you're beginning to see where this is going.

Today I realised the power of the concept I've been putting into place without even thinking about it - and the power is this: the more personal tasks I transfer to the office, the more I get paid.

Here follows a list of daily activities I am now paid professional rates for:

1) Paying bills: Not an uncommon item, this one. The marvel of the Internet has ensured that paying bills, an activity that can burn many valuable minutes, actually looks exactly like work, provided your screen isn't visible to your supervisors (or other team members who might be jealous of your non-core activity transfer wizardry.) In this way, even as your hard-earned cash is being sapped out of your bank account by utility companies, it is being replenished for nothing!

2) Excretions: This one can be hard to implement, but it's worth the pain. If you take a crap at home on a weeknight, you're robbing yourself of up to 20 minutes of paid time. Over a week, that's more than an hour and a half. Over a year, you've got yourself a week's wages, and all you had to do was put up with the unnerving public exposure common to workplace toilets. At a previous job, I fell asleep on a toilet on overtime penalty rates and woke up to realise that the log floating benignly underneath me had earned me over 70 bucks. Now that's economics! As an added bonus, you get to put "professional shitter" on your CV.

3) Showering and getting dressed: Sounds like a bit of a coup, doesn't it? Think outside the box, gentle reader! Most days, I ride my bike to work, which lets me leap out of bed and into a stinky pair of shorts. I keep a drawer full of clothes at work. I arrive at 9, sweaty and steenky, clock in and head for the showers. Getting naked at work has never been such fun. I'm scrubbing my balls at my boss's expense. And as all blokes know, there's a VERY fine line between a scrub and a fondle.

4) Personal grooming: Naturally, after showering, one needs to apply deodorant, brush one's teeth, shave if required, and style one's hair. I got all the tools, baby, right there in my desk drawer. This, when you think about it, makes me a professional hair stylist, but without the constant speculation about my sexuality.

5) Recuperation: I'll admit, this one wasn't even an original idea. In fact, it came from the most unexpected of sources; an old boss of mine. He told me one day, "Dutchy, why take a sick day? You'll be sitting at home, feeling shitty and not being able to do much. You can do that at work, and get *paid* for it! It's not like you're going to feel much shittier, anyway. Then, you can use your sick days for something you actually *want* to be doing." The simple wisdom in that statement brings a tear to my eye - and I've only one thing to add. Coming in sick makes people say "That Dutchy, he's a trooper." And I've found that "he's a trooper" points are valuable, long-lasing in peoples' memories, and hard to come by when you're not actually willing to do any trooping.

Not to mention the wonderful time-burning powers of Diaryland, of course!

This is only the beginning, my friends. Now that I know what's going on and I've got the plan, the possibilities are limitless. I've got some plans for non-core activity transfers that are audacious, but I believe they're possible. Stay tuned.

In the meanwhile, why not drop into the guestbook and let me know what *you're* getting away with on the payroll - or ideas for how I might expand my program.

This concept could change your life, friends. Get onto it!

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